Sexy toys

Ever since science fiction first tapped into our collective psyche with promises of a brave new super-hedonistic Tomorrowland, the hunger for newer and better technology has never ceased. While we still wait on flying cars, meal tablets and vacations to the moon, some of us hold out for a computer that can whip-up an interactive sexual simulation at a moment’s notice.

While the puerile fantasies of making love to 50s pin-ups has not been made possible by technology as of yet, there are a lot of Space Age gadgets designed for sexual satisfaction that will satiate until we catch up with the future. The problem is finding which ones fit your needs.

The first thing to understand about sex technology is that the old motto “you get what you pay for” is completely true. Quality sex toys are going to be more expensive, but they will outperform and outlast any of their cheap competitors. If money is an issue, relax and save up for your purchase—you’ll be glad you did.

When looking at vibrators, the weapon of choice for many women, consider the toy’s flexibility of use. OhMiBod is a standard light saber-shaped vibrator for $69 that connects to an iPod for rhythm-inspired hum junkies. Buzzing in sync with the beat, the vibrator is powerful and can easily turn your favorite sexy songs into a sensual experience. OhMiBod works best with jazz and spoken-word tracks, where the rhythm is distinct and deliberate. The natural climax of a slam poet’s words or the rasp of Louis Armstrong blowing his trumpet promise to make for some mind-bending orgasms. While it’s great fun, aside from the gimmicky aspect, there’s no real versatility, at least that’s what one lovely female test subject said.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, The Cone, $36.75 from Babeland.com, is a wonderfully unique vibrator with a buzz. Large and powerful, The Cone is not for the faint of heart. With its unique shape, this toy achieves versatility by becoming as much at home in a couple’s bed as it is on a single girl’s nightstand. Taking on a hands-free approach, The Cone can be used by either party for increased satisfaction during oral sex, intercourse, or foreplay. Sixteen patterns and intensities make The Cone a formidable friend. You’ll have to rethink your approach to vibrators, but in the end that might not be such a bad thing.

Finding a sex toy for a man is like finding hay in a haystack. Luckily when the Fleshlight is in stock, there is no need to look any further. Every toy—usually tube-shaped devices in which the inside is designed to simulate the fairer sex’s flesh—claims to provide the real experience. Ignore them. For $59.95, the Fleshlight is a cheap date and blows the competition away with its super-soft interior and realistic suction. Single, girlfriend, wife or harem, you’ll find yourself coming back to the Fleshlight for the pleasure it offers.

Certainly we haven’t reached a time in our history when technology threatens to replace human contact. Sexual technology may never become the rule as sci-fi has often speculated, but it has always been the common exception. Perfect sexual technology will always be a fantasy, and fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, but in the end, nothing beats the real thing.