Movie harvest

This past summer movie season had some great movies (Boyhood, Edge of Tomorrow, Guardians of the Galaxy), some really good ones (Godzilla, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes) and a lot of crap ones (Transformers: Still No Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Oh Wait, There She Is).

The end of the summer has been ungodly bad (The Identical, The November Man), so I am more than ready for the usual good stuff this time of year brings to cinemas.

This isn’t a complete listing, but a chronological summary of highlights presented to you because we love you and I just enjoy doing this kind of thing.

The Equalizer (Sept. 26): Denzel Washington stars in this adaptation of a TV show nobody really remembers. That said, he looks kind of badass in this thing.

Jimi: All is by My Side (Sept. 26): A Jimi Hendrix movie with no real Hendrix music in it. Andre Benjamin of OutKast is supposed to be really good in it, so watch the movie and then listen to your Jimi album in the car on the way home.

Gone Girl (Oct. 3): David Fincher adapts another bestseller after The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Tattoo was my least favorite Fincher film, but I have high hopes for this one. I think Ben Affleck is a terribly underrated actor, I love Rosamund Pike on a level that could get me arrested someday, and the story involving a missing woman looks like the sort of eerie stuff Fincher thrives on.

I haven’t read the book, but I hear the ending blows. Rumor had it that Fincher changed the ending, but word out of press screenings says it sticks close to the book. I say, trust no one, everybody associated with this film and marketing is a liar. Go see for yourself. Take some initiative, damn it.

Left Behind (Oct. 3): Nicholas Cage, who starred in a verygood movie this year (Joe) replaces Kirk Cameron in what most certainly couldn’t possibly be anything resembling good. Even so, I can’t wait to see Cage as an airline pilot who must deal with the Rapture mid-flight. Those eyes are going to bug out, those teeth are gonna show. I hope that there are lots of bees on his plane.

The Judge (Oct. 10): Robert Downey, Jr., plays an attorney who must come to the aid of his mean old dad (Robert Duvall) in this film that just looks mighty derivative to me.

Fury (Oct. 17): Brad Pitt rides in a tank with Shia “I don’t wanna take a shower!” LaBeouf. That’s a lot of stank musk in a small, confined space. Don’t even have to shoot mortars to kill the enemy. Just flip the lid on that sucker and the stench will kill ’em all.

Birdman (Oct. 17): Nothing sounds cooler than this movie. Michael Keaton stars as a guy who once played a superhero trying to star in a Broadway play. Directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel, 21 Grams), it looks like an insane acid trip that is oddly semi-autobiographical. It also has Naomi Watts in it, so I’m all about this thing.

St. Vincent(Oct. 24): Bill Murray plays an old nasty guy in Brooklyn hanging out with Melissa McCarthy’s kid.

Nightcrawler (Oct. 31): Jake Gyllenhaal plays a wannabe journalist who gets a gig photographing bloody accidents and carnage.

Interstellar (Nov. 7): Christopher Nolan returns with Matthew McCon-Uh-What-the-Hey in this epic sci-fi about Earth running out of food, and humanity trying to find other places in the universe to do the hang and eat stuff.

Big Hero 6 (Nov. 7): A Disney animated movie about a boy and his robot that will make sickening amounts of money. You will buy the shirts, you will buy the action figures, and your wallet will hate you. Your wallet will constantly shift in your pocket towards your crotch as a painful reminder that you are a slave to film merchandising. Your kids, on the other hand, will think you are a God, so it all works out in the end.

Foxcatcher (Nov. 14):An unrecognizable Steve Carell aims to show off his dramatic chops as all time psycho John du Pont in the latest from the ever reliable Bennett Miller. Also features Channing Tatum and Mark Ruffalo. Major awards buzz coming off of this one.

Dumb and Dumber To (Nov. 14): At long last, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are returning as the two dumbest guys to ever grace a comedy. This one looks to be a lot nastier than the original if the trailer’s grandma scene is any indicator.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay-Part 1 (Nov. 21): I really liked the first Hunger Games sequel after not liking the first film at all. Here’s to a continuation of the good mojo as Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) continues to shoot arrows at fellow teens.

Horrible Bosses 2 (Nov. 28): I bet you’re all just going out of your minds waiting for this sequel.

Penguins of Madagascar (Nov. 28):No … wait … it’s this one. This is the sequel/spinoff that has been keeping you up nights in anxious anticipation of its arrival.

Wild (Dec. 5): Reese Witherspoon takes a bunch of heroin, screws a lot of dudes, and then goes on a long hike. It’s a family film.

Inherent Vice (Dec. 12): Director Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood) returns with this adaptation of the Thomas Pynchon novel starring Joaquin Phoenix, Josh Brolin and Benicio Del Toro.

Exodus: Gods and Kings (Dec. 12): Christian Bale stars as Moses in this epic from Ridley Scott. It better be good, because Scott made this instead of the long promised Prometheus and Blade Runner sequels. Rumor has it that God had a lot to do with this movie. Did you hear me? God’s mighty hand played a part in this film—and he or she was also a key grip.

The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies (Dec. 17): I have a deep hatred of the Hobbit films. That’s strange, considering each of the Lord of the Rings films topped my year-end best-of lists and I still love watching them. As for the Hobbit movies, they can go screw.

Annie (Dec. 19): The lousy musical gets remade with Jamie Foxx and the little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild getting severely auto-tuned. I know the name of the little actress, but her name is crazy hard to spell, and my editor has been giving me a lot of shit for getting names wrong lately. I already had to spell Gyllenhaal twice in this article, so I’m not going to press my luck. [Editor’s note: The name is Quvenzhané Wallis.]

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (Dec. 19): One of the last films Robin Williams made, as he reprises his Teddy Roosevelt character. I haven’t met a Museum movie that I have liked yet, but I do admit that the trailer with the peeing monkey made me giggle.

Into the Woods (Dec. 25): Meryl Streep, Anna Kendrick, Chris Pine and Johnny Depp all show up for a film adaptation of the infamous Stephen Sondheim musical.

The Interview (Dec. 25): Seth Rogen and James Franco reunite as two guys involved in a plot to assassinate Kim Jong-un, current leader of North Korea. After seeing the trailer, North Korea has threatened war and bloody vengeance if it is released. I don’t care if they are serious or not. Pineapple Express was freaking hilarious, so I’ll take World War III for a good Rogen/Franco team-up.