Lightweight

A lot of work and a lot of money have gone into Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows, a big-screen adaptation of that strangest of strange soap operas that ran in the late ’60s and early ’70s. The saga of tortured vampire Barnabas Collins proves to be a nice exercise for the eyes, but the stuff coming out of people’s mouths and the pacing of the film prove too languid to keep a person’s interest past the first half-hour.

Burton has his go-to guys here: Johnny Depp steps into the infamous role of Barnabas (the original Barnabas, Jonathan Frid, recently passed away), while Danny Elfman provides the sleepy soundtrack. Depp drones on and on with seemingly every line, while Elfman’s meandering soundtrack fails to liven the place up. Dark Shadows is monstrously boring for much of its running time.

The film opens over 200 years ago, with a quick glance at Barnabas’ childhood and his brief time on the planet as a young adult. After a quick affair with family servant Angelique (Eva Green), he turns his amorous attentions to the beautiful Josette (Bella Heathcote).

Angelique, who dabbles in witchcraft, compels Josette to do something very sad, and has something even worse in store for Barnabas: He’s going to spend the rest of his years as a vampire. Furthermore, he will spend eternity buried in a coffin.

Of course, nearly every parcel of ground in the United States will eventually be dug up to make way for a McDonald’s. Barnabas is freed two centuries later, and returns to his mansion in Collinwood to meet his relatives.

Michelle Pfeiffer plays the stately Elizabeth Collins Stoddard with her usual grace, while the usually reliable Chloe Grace Moretz is actually slightly annoying—a first!—as her rebellious, grumpy daughter Carolyn. Johnny Lee Miller plays Roger, the flaky family patriarch, while Helena Bonham Carter gets her usual Burton film role as the strange doctor.

Youngest son David (Gulliver McGrath) can see dead people, as does his new nanny, Victoria. Victoria is also played by Heathcote, which creates all sorts of confusion for Barnabas, who still longs for his dead girlfriend.

This would seem to be a fun setup for a clashing of sensibilities, with Barnabas trying to get it on in a notably funkier world. No such luck. Most of Dark Shadows has Depp droning out his lines in a sort of dreary soap opera mode, whining about his predicament or the non-events of the day. There is surprisingly little action, and the action isn’t anything to get worked up about.

The potentially interesting story of Victoria is pushed into the background, with much more emphasis on the Barnabas/Angelique rivalry. Their crazy sex scene is supposed to be played for comic effect, but it’s a scene that feels like it should be in another movie.

Admittedly, I was under the impression that the film would have a more satiric and comedic tone. But efforts at comedy, such as the goofy sex scene, fall flat and don’t integrate with the film. This is surprising, considering how successful Burton’s efforts at comedy have been in the past. His other Gothic epic, Sleepy Hollow, had some great laughs.

Not much to laugh at here, even when Alice Cooper drops by the mansion for an evening of entertainment. The Cooper presence is a wasted opportunity.

No doubt, Burton makes a good-looking movie. The film’s most interesting visual is the ghost of Josette floating around the house and swinging around the chandelier. It looks very much like something you would see in Disney’s Haunted Mansion.

Obviously, you need much more than pretty pictures to tell a good story, and the script for Dark Shadows stinks. Nothing of interest happens, and this winds up being the second lackluster pairing of Depp and Burton in a row after the lousy Alice in Wonderland.