Valentine’s Day tech support

If you’re still fooling yourself into thinking that the motivations behind technological advances are a desire to improve our quality of life or add convenience to the world, you’re as clueless as a floppy disk manufacturer in 2012. There’s only one desire behind new technology, and that’s the desire to find new and creative ways to satiate our sexual appetites.

Our civilization has a long history of mating tech with sex. We’ve come a long way from the hand-crank vibrators of the late 19th- and early 20th-century. These days we’re flooded with hundreds of models of dozens of different types of sex toys. Navigating an adult book store—or worse, the internet—in search of the perfect gadget to spice up your sex life is like climbing up a hill of avalanching dildos.

For this Valentine’s Day, skip the phallic panic attack and sit back. Let us thrill you, chill you and fulfill you with the newest, high-tech sex toys for women, men and couples, which deliver innovative technologies, perfected designs, and the next level in human-machine sexual interaction.

We games

The Swedish company Lelo bills the Tiani ($159, Lelo.com), a wearable couples’ massager, as “Wii for the bedroom.” We imagine this U-shaped vibrator will get more use as the video game system in the corner gathers dust. With a similar design to another vibrator, the We-Vibe, the soft silicone curves so that one end sits inside the vagina while the other rests outside atop the clitoris. On the We-Vibe, each end is almost the same size and both tips vibrate, but with Tiani, the insertable section is much smaller and only the external tip vibrates so it’s less noticeable for the guy if worn during sex.

However, the biggest factor distinguishing Tiani from the We-Vibe and other vibrators is the SenseMotion wireless remote. SenseMotion lets the users control the vibrations by shaking or tilting the remote, hence the comparison to a Wii. Tiani’s remote actually uses an accelerometer to register movement, so it’s more akin to your smartphone than a Wiimote, which also relies on optical sensors. Tilt the remote and the vibrations increase—the greater the angle, the stronger the vibration. Give the remote a shake and the vibrator will respond with a little buzzing jolt of fun. It’s a fun way to control things, and the remote vibrates in sync with Tiani, so the remote-owners have a much better understanding of their actions.

One problem is the hard plastic strip at the point where it separates to charge. If you don’t line the pieces up just right, it can pinch or scrape—it’s preventable, but annoying. Still, Tiani does a great job of introducing accelerometers to sex toys. If they release a mobile app so we can control the vibe discreetly from our smartphones, we don’t see a reason why the “Wii for the bedroom” can’t thrive on long car rides, date nights or trips to the club.

Go clubbing

Until we see a Tiani mobile app, OhMiBod’s newest vibe covers club-goers looking for a little thrill. Their first vibrator, also called OhMiBod, hooked up to an MP3 player and let the music drive the vibrations, but Club Vibe 2.OH ($79, Ohmibod.com) responds to any external audio source. Like Tiani, Club Vibe is a wearable vibrator with a wireless remote. The remote has an embedded mic that picks up any noise from voices to club music. The vibrator buzzes and hums to the beat the remote picks up and though there is a little time delay, it’s quite effective while dancing to some deep bass.

While the Tiani remote stole the show, Club Vibe’s wearable portion is actually more impressive. The gentle curve of the vibrator keeps it thin and sleek, but also allows the toy to cup and hug the vagina, so that in a tight pair of jeans it stays exactly where you want it. A little bump at the top of the vibe also gives that extra pressure against the clit, localizing and intensifying the enjoyment. The remote has pre-programmed patterns for those looking to avoid the club, but this could be the ultimate marital aid when used at a club: Men get the remote and women get their men to dance.

Rabbit, run

Many people believe that the Rabbit vibrator became wildly popular after it was mentioned on Sex and the City, but it might have just been when the first woman who tried it told everyone who would listen how awesome it is. The basic design of a Rabbit has always been the same; an insertable shaft rotates while a rabbit-shaped vibrator stimulates the clit. Jopen’s Vanity line riffs on this concept by changing the shape of things and altering or completely removing the Rabbit, but it’s when they stick closest to the original design that they succeed the most.

The Vr10 ($230, Jopen.com) is the Rabbit perfected. Surrounded in soft silicone, the thick, but not overwhelming shaft doesn’t just undulate at the base. The entire shaft swirls as if you were tracing a circle with your finger without moving your hand. When in use, the movement is very noticeable but not so drastic that it threatens to create a cyclone in your lady bits. The Rabbit vibe, covered in the same soft silicone, is intense—very intense. Two buttons control the shaft and vibe independently and while the shaft may not ramp up to alarmingly ecstatic speeds, the vibrations do.

As enjoyable as the toy is, oddly enough, it’s the base of the toy that really impresses. The ball-shaped base is comfortable to hold and houses the two buttons and LED indicators that clearly show the speed of both movements. Paired with the simple, two-button controls it is one of the most user-friendly interfaces we’ve ever seen on a toy, with instant recognition on how fast you’re going and where you can go from there. Everything about this toy screams luxury and pleasure to the extent that we’re not sure anyone can improve the Rabbit beyond this point—but we’re eager to see someone try.

Rise of the sex machines

Let’s face it, all this tech is leading in one direction: Sex with robots. Star Trek has already promised us fully functioning androids and Holosuites where you can live out your fantasies with holograms, but for men whose wives have already forbidden use of this yet-invented technology, there’s an alternative.

Answering the age-old question—will a guy stick his penis in anything?—RealTouch ($330, Realtouch.com) is an automated masturbator that syncs with certain XXX videos. If the video shows a flick of the tongue, you’ll get a little tickle at the tip; the on-screen actors move to missionary and the RealTouch will tighten and give you a shot of lube to create a “wet” atmosphere. To produce this effect, two conveyer belts made of the same material as Fleshlights—prosthetic vaginas shaped like flashlights—move back and forth and apply pressure to simulate sex. There’s a built-in lube dispenser to keep things frictionless and a gentle heating element to suggest body heat. Sound scary? It is—until you use it.

Then you see what the device can do, and you stand at attention. As long as you use plenty of lube, dispensed at the click of a button through the computer program, it’s much like a Fleshlight with a very effective mind of its own. RealTouch is not new on the sex scene but the company recently introduced the RealTouch JoyStick, a wand that allows a second user to control the RealTouch.

The JoyStick is still in Beta testing, but we tried it out in Vegas recently, and the tech is solid. JoyStick users can use the wand as a dildo for manual, oral, vaginal or anal stimulation, and the RealTouch user receives the benefits. Initially, the company is creating a website where strangers with RealTouch and others with the JoyStick can meet and schedule some fun time via webcams. Long-term plans include opening up a separate website and service to couples who want to use the products exclusively with each other—spouses stationed overseas or long-distance couples would not reside in the same place as the men and women looking for a pay-to-play experience with RealTouch models.

If you can overcome the fear of sticking your penis in a machine housing whirring conveyer belts, a mini hot plate and a lube factory, this is quite a ride. Plus, if the current course of sex tech is any indication, this won’t be the last high tech hole we’re asked to fill with our manhood in search of bigger and better machine-powered orgasms.