Transformers: Age of Extinction

Director Michael Bay seems to be taunting his haters at this point, employing all of those things that sicken his detractors, and cranking everything up to despicably disgusting levels. Replacing Shia LaBeouf, who was too busy pinching ass and pouring drinks on patrons at a Battle Creek, Michigan, high school production of Fiddler on the Roof to participate, would be Mark Wahlberg. He plays Cade Yeager, a crazy robot inventor living on a farm with his smoking hot daughter, Tessa (Nicola Peltz). After inadvertently buying Optimus Prime from an old guy at an abandoned movie theater (yep!), Yeager and his daughter wind up fighting alongside the Autobots as they battle an evil race of American-made Autobot clones courtesy of a Steve Jobs-like mogul (Stanley Tucci). The movie is a billion hours long, and none of those hours are ever any good. Some of the visuals pop, but you won't care because you will be glazed over by the time most of the big action kicks up. Bay says this is the first in a new trilogy. If you should choose to see part one, make sure all of your bills are paid, the dogs are fed, and you've winter-proofed your house before you sit down, because you aren't getting out of that theater for a very long time.