To hell in a bunghole

The 21st century is only three years old (or is it two?), but we can already see some cultural trends in full swing. One of these trends is happening on television, where Americans used to enjoy watching people with actual talent performing songs, jokes, impressions and the like. Curiously, this taste has mutated somewhat, to where now most of us would rather watch non-talented regular folk eat dandruff tacos and let tarantulas walk on their faces. The pendulum doth swingeth.

Another trend that seems to be losing no steam whatsoever is the general trampling of the code of etiquette, which is leading us to the very brink of Couthless Vulgarity. Now, I don’t want to come off as your old fifth grade teacher, Mrs. McGillicuddy, wagging a finger at you for saying “ain’t,” but it is becoming more obvious that our overall respect for courtesy, manners and just plain class is taking a significant length of cold rebar up the societal bunghole* these days. This impression is not aided by steady streams of photos showing the denizens of the Oakland Black Hole throwing nachos, batteries, lamps and burned-out Pintos at the refs.

So here’s an etiquette tune-up for all you sloppy sumbitches out there who need it.

First, a reminder to all you nasal archeologists who spend much of your time in the car keeping your finger and thumb tips warm and busy. The windows on your vehicle are transparent. That means you are not invisible, and that means we can indeed see you as you work your dig. Therefore, when you’re driving down Kietzke or approaching the Spaghetti Bowl, please, take a break. On the other hand, if you’re on a road just outside of Gabbs or Rachel, all systems are go.

Next, we would all be wise to remember that about 40 years ago, there was a phrase available that could get you off the hook easily and quickly if some oaf asked you an uncomfortably personal question. That phrase was “None of your business.” It appears that most Americans, or at least those who get interviewed a lot, have completely forgotten this handy little four-word escape. A pity, since it can provide an invaluable cover during this age of snoopy Vulgarian interviewers and their relentless fishing for personal tales of buggery and debauchery. Again, the phrase is “None of your business,” and with practice, it can become a formidable staple in your self-defense arsenal.

Some slurs seem to seeping back into usage. Young folks might be confused about use of the word “fag.” Don’t be. It’s rude, and not taken lightly by gay men. Similarly, women are not enchanted when they hear themselves referred to as bitches, hoes or chicks, current song lyrics and movie titles notwithstanding. *Bunghole: A hole in a barrel through which liquid can be poured in or drawn out. Honest. I looked it up.