The other reality

In recent years, I find I’m less and less willing to tolerate the distortions, misconceptions, lies, and ridiculous behavior regularly put forth by movies/television. I think as one gets older, one realizes that, you know, goddammit, instead of watching these foons behave in a way that only occasionally corresponds with reality, I could instead be (a) learning Sanskrit on Rosetta Stone, (b) naming each sagebrush on my property, (c) whittling, (d) building a birdhouse made of Baby Ruths, or (e) anything.

Let me back up my crabby rant. Here are just a few of the horribly wrong things we learn from movies/TV:

• The Bad Guys, whether they are Roman Centurions, Indians on the Warpath, or Star Wars Storm Troopers, can’t shoot worth a shit. Eternally. Couldn’t hit a barn with a shotgun at 10 feet.

• Annoying fat nerd geek schlubs will, if he annoys his gorgeous shapely ultra babe co-star long enough, win her over. Because the babe’s good-looking hunk of a boyfriend will always turn out to be an asshole.

• People in movies and on TV hang up on people. All the time. Without a second thought. And they don’t just hang up on the guy at the video store or the IRS, but on friends, spouses, lovers, etc. You know, people with whom you generally want to get along. And yet, stars frequently just hang up on em. As if to utter a simple OK, See ya, or Later would slow down the movie to an unbearable crawl.

• People trapped in houses with monsters/ghosts/weird shit spend way too much time looking for the M/G/WS. For some reason, they forget to (1) leave the house, (2) get in the car, and (3) drive to Milwaukee.

• People in fist fights regularly take three or four huge haymakers to the jaw/head, then get up, wipe the blood trickle off their philtrum, and order a drink. In the real world, they are, of course, dead. Or in the back of an ambulance. They’re certainly not having a beer and prepping for sex.

• If you want to plug your laptop into the computer system of another country/alien spaceship, the plug will fit, the voltages will be compatible, there will be no security, and you’ll be able to take over the whole system in a jiffy.

• Contrary to all sexual research, women seem to actually crave sex acts featuring absolutely no foreplay whatsoever. I’ve also learned from movies that women (1) get all romantic and lovey dovey if he climaxes in 15-30 seconds, (2) don’t seem to care at all about their own orgasm, and (3) are real suckers for having sex standing up. And don’t forget, just after the Crazy Fantastic 17 Seconds of Sex, all actresses pull the sheets up and cover their breasts afterward because, uh, because, well, jeez, baby, weren’t we just goin’ at it like drunken Burners on oysters and X about a minute ago?