Pressing issues

We are about nine months from Election Day. You have a job to do. You need to take the concept of “informed citizen,” and embrace it. It’s not always a fun job, but it’s an important one. This is not a drill. There is zero room for complacency or excuses. We need us another one of them there Blue Wave elections. To quote the great political strategist The Rock—“Know your role. Dammit.”

•

My opinion about caucuses has been fairly predictable for a while. The whole process just seems like a bit of a CF, a horse and buggy-style relic of the 19th century. I know advocates of caucuses who swear that there are upsides to the process, convinced that in some ways, they’re actually superior to direct primaries. Perhaps. But on this Tuesday morning, with the results of Iowa’s caucuses still a total mystery, my CF position seems to be strengthening, if anything.

And the Nevada caucus is in two weeks. (Why do we stick with caucuses in this state? The answer is a five-letter word that begins with M and ends with Y).

•

This just into the newsroom. El Chapo, through his team of lawyers, has let it be known that he would very much like to get one of those trials where there are no witnesses allowed. Just sayin’.

•

To point out how much Netflix and YouTube and HBO have revolutionized our Boob Tube lifestyle, let me ask this question. Do you watch even one show on NBC, CBS, ABC or Fox on a regular basis that isn’t news or sports? Me neither.

I was home recently, nursing a head cold, and it struck me, as I was searching through Netflix, that there’s never been a better time to be illin’ in America. With the astounding amount of data now available to stream into our Smart TVs, my two sick days spent sniffling in my television room were kind of a blast. What a drag to get healthy again and resume the routine!

•

OK, I’ve had it. All these so-called professional announcers who consistently mangle the word “asterisk.” You know what I’m talkin’ about. The legion of chowds who effortlessly morph Asterisk into Aster-Rick. Eesh. Pathetic. So let’s fix this. It just takes a little practice. Start with the first syllables. Aster. Like the flower. Easy, right? Ass-turr. No sweat. Now, the third syllable. Risk. Another easy one. Couldn’t be simpler. Now, put ’em together. Aster-Risk. Asterisk. Bingo. Say it again. Asterisk. Congrats. You’re now more adept than 80 percent of the clods on sports talk radio. Is asterisk as easy to say as “market” or “table?” No. But it is easier than “rural” or “forests.” OK, I feel better now.