Perforated Object

Perforated Object is the much-maligned work of art that is displayed outside of the Bruce R. Thompson Federal Building, at Virginia and Liberty streets. The aerated, phallic-looking sculpture is the work of Michael Heizer and was completed at a cost of $166,000—money that came from the government’s public art program. In case you’re wondering, the sculpture is based on an artifact unearthed by Heizer’s father, Dr. Robert Heizer, from a central Nevada cave in 1936.

Excuse me, but you appear to be dripping rust on the lawn.

So? What do you expect from me, anyway? I am a freaking metal sculpture, outside, in the middle of Nevada, where the weather range is almost unheard of. I am here when it is above 100 degrees in the summer and when it’s below zero in the winter. When you also consider the whole acid rain thing, I am bound to get a little rusty here and there. Deal with it. It’s not like I can go inside.

Yikes. I didn’t mean to offend. You seem kinda cranky.

Again, what the hell do you expect? I mean, people have been making fun of me since I was put here several years ago, calling me the “Swiss cheese fish” and saying how ugly I am. Such comments wreak havoc with my self-esteem.

I actually have some sick-minded friends who say you look like some sort of deviant sex toy.

See? That’s just the kind of comment I am talking about. That’s bound to make anybody cranky. Besides, what kind of friends do you have, anyway? That is sick, man. What would anybody do with a sex toy shaped like me, anyway? Actually, don’t answer that. I do NOT want to know. Goodness. The only reason why I am giving you this interview is because I am attached to the ground and can’t escape.

Well, OK then. Moving on, are you afraid of anything?

Hell, yeah. I am afraid of birds. Every sculpture or statue or outdoor work of art is petrified of birds. You know where I am going with this.

Yes. The white, streaking globs give you away.

It’s gross. Between the weather, the rude comments and the bird dung, this job can be kinda depressing. You just kind of sit here, get pooped on, get snowed on, get rusted and get mocked.

I am sorry. That stinks.

Well, it’s my job, and some jobs just get no respect. I am sure you can relate to that, being a member of the media.

Ouch. Good point.

Well, of course it’s a good point. After all, I have lots of time to think. Actually, I have one question for you.

Sure. Ask away.

What in the world possessed you to interview a statue this week?

Well, I’ll say is this: This is the Bars & Clubs Issue. I was doing “research” when I came up with the idea.

Ah. Enough said.