Lost Dowd in high weeds

On June 3, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd blew a lot of minds when she wrote about her experience in Colorado with one of the newly legal pot-laced candy bars now available there. What made it memorable was that Maureen got rocked hard by her stony treat. “I felt a scary shudder go through my body and brain. … I lay curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours. … I was thirsty but couldn’t move to get water. … I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me” and so on and so forth. Damn, Mo, sounds like you got hold of some real good shit! (There is controversy surrounding Dowd’s column, with Colorado folks reporting they gave her specific instructions in advance on proper dosage.)

Whether or not Dowd was legitimately roasted by a really good Mr. Goodbar is not topic. What I do want to address are the very legitimate issues surrounding edible pot products. The main issue is simple—yes, pot candy bars and pastries can be terrific pain relievers, appetite stimulators and bell ringers, but woe to those who gobble up too much of a dose. When eaten to excess, marijuana can lay you out and make you grovel and retch for hours.

My point, ultimately, is the same as Dowd's—watch out. Proceed with caution. Gradually work your way up to the proper dose for your metabolism and your body weight. These edible goodies deserve mucho respecto, amigo. I've been sampling some bars from California, called Kiva bars. They are really good. Very pleasant. Yummy tasty. Lovely buzz. And the potential for bummers, disasters and fuckups is, unfortunately, very real.

The basic Kiva bar comes in four rectangles, with each one packing 45 milligrams of THC. There are no recommended dosages on the label, and that needs to be corrected immediately. Because if you just assumed, “Well, OK, I guess I'll go ahead and just eat one of these rectangles, which is not all that much chocolate,” it's safe to say you're gonna end up in La-La land, right there on the floor with Mo worrying if you need a diaper. Forty-five milligrams is a monster dose that will positively kick your ass for a long, long time. The label needs to say, very clearly, Do not eat entire rectancle or you are going to be a fucking zombie who can't remember his own phone number. Something along those lines.

For me, the right dose of a Kiva bar is one quarter of one rectangle. That's it. But to get that quarter, I've got to cut it up myself. If Nevada is going to sell these Too High Chocolate bars, the candy should be segmented by the manufacturer in doses of 5 mg apiece. Are you a big guy? Take 3. Little old lady? Start with 1. Loads of guidance and info should be on every product, whether chocolate bar or magic muffin. These goodies can be effective. They can also be bogglingly powerful. And the potential for bad boo-boos involving children are scary obvious. As it prepares for this eventual rollout, the state needs to do its utmost to prevent Nevadans from taking a one-way trip into The Mo Zone.