Santa nixes ‘Red’ rumors

You would think an interview with Santa Claus would be a great “get” for a small news organization like the CN&R. But on this day, the jolly fat man was not very talkative. Because he’s a notorious hermit who shows himself for only a few days out of the year, we had to track him down at the Chico Mall, where he was conducting research into what Chico kids want for Christmas.

Do you believe in yourself?

Yes. Absolutely.

You have elves making your toys. Do they run a union shop?

No.

Would you allow them to unionize or do they not want to?

No, no. They don’t want to unionize. I treat them very well. All bennies. There’s no want in the North Pole. There’s no want there.

You know when everyone’s sleeping and when they’re awake. Have you ever been approached by the U.S. government for that information?

No. Never.

Do you ever talk on a cell phone while you’re driving your sleigh?

No comment.

Ever had a kid do anything to your Santa suit while sitting on your lap that you didn’t like?

Never. I love all kids.

You never leave the mall with a stain on your suit?

From time to time, but it doesn’t irritate me.

Where’s the profit in being Santa Claus?

Just the joy of Christmas.

Well then how do you afford all the toys?

[Long pause] That’s a secret.

Since you always wear red, I have to ask, have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

Never. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Never.